Would you like to strengthen the bond with your lover this Valentine’s Day? Here are 10 tips to enrich your romance.
1. Don’t communicate: Bottle up your emotions and hide them from your lover. Communication only makes you appear weak and the more your partner knows, the more they will judge you.
2. Weaponize intimacy: They won’t get you a glass of water in the middle of the night? Cut them off. Why would you give them all of yourself when they won’t even fetch you a glass of water?
3. Weaponize gifts: Only give a gift when you want one back, and if they don’t give you one or don’t give you what you want, throw a fit like a spoiled child or withdraw from their reach. This will cause them to always give you gifts, constantly trying to win back your affection.
4. Name-calling: Make up a funny nickname for them. I’m not talking about “sweetheart” or “baby.” To pick the perfect personalized nickname, target their biggest insecurities, like a big forehead or yellow teeth. It doesn’t have to be a physical trait either — attacking their past trauma is also a great way to give your lover a fun pet name.
5. Have a backup: Let your partner know that if they leave you, you will have someone on speed dial to replace them. Things move fast in this day and age. With the help of dating apps, you can convince your significant other that you are attractive enough to move on as soon as they’re out the door.
6. Don’t support them: Is your lover up for a promotion? Are they rising above level? Make them know that you don’t believe in them; that way they will give up on their dreams and settle for yours instead.
7. Refuse tasks they ask of you: Suppose your lover asks you to put leftovers away. Instead of putting them in a container and in the fridge, complain and tell them you’ll do it later. If this does not work and your lover gets mad, find the most inconvenient way to store the food. An example: Put a small amount of spaghetti in several uncovered mugs and place them in the fridge. The more mugs the better; make it hard to access the fridge or freezer without food falling on the floor.
8. Don’t respect their schedule and/or cancel your plans at the last minute: Their time should not matter to you. If they really loved you, they would change their schedule to accommodate you. However, when you both agree on plans, cancel at the last minute. This reinforces the idea that their time is not important and effectively puts them in their place.
9. Hit on their parents: What can I say, their mom looks hot in that sweater.
10. Don’t say you love them this Valentine’s Day: You’ve been with them for this long, you shouldn’t have to say it. The fact that you are in a relationship with them should be enough. If it’s not, then clearly THEY are crazy.
In all seriousness, do not do any of these things to your partner, or anyone at all. If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, be it physical, mental, or emotional, contact law enforcement or tell a friend or family member. If you aren’t comfortable with telling someone close to you, please visit the Center of Domestic Peace’s website here.
