Kids, we need to talk. About sex.

 
Summer is coming, and you know what that means — sunshine, beaches, lotion and, of course, crabs. Which is why you should always bring a blanket. And some condoms.

 
So that should cover STDs and contraceptives; now let’s move on to the three Cs of competent copulation: Confident, Communicative and Carefree.

 
Imagine, if you will, a partner who is so insecure that this person can barely bring themselves to take off their socks. During the sexy times, it’s important to have confidence. You’re beautiful, no matter what everyone else says. Clearly, this person is having sex with you because they find you attractive in one way or another. Age, gender or genitalia shouldn’t matter; confidence is sexy.

 
Imagine, again, a partner who is clearly not enjoying themselves. Your attempts at Teletubby cosplay would have benefitted from a little verbal warning. You know what you want, and they know what they want, so it’s time that the two meet. Everyone has their peccadilloes, whether they like to dress up like a peg-legged pirate and prance around singing “The Star Spangled Banner” or have you eat cheesepuffs off their thighs while tickling them under the chin.

 
You might say it’s hypocritical of us to remain anyonymous and talk about communication, but we’re not having sex with you, reader. Talk it out with your partner before they walk out. Make sure you’re both comfortable, and you’ll have a grand  old time.

 
If someone farts, flowers wilt and rivers run dry, then you’re doing it wrong. If you’re confident and communicative, sex is fun and sometimes funny. In the event of a fart, it’s OK to laugh.

 
Don’t be afraid to giggle or guffaw at mishaps and messiness. Experimentation can produce hilarious results. Don’t be scared to try new things just because you might be embarrassed. Go ahead and try having sex in that papasan. It just might work out.

 
Here are some ways to practice the three Cs:
– Have sex in new places. Go ahead and bone in that broom closet. Shtupp in that sacristy. Fornicate in that forest. We’re going to judge, but you should be confident enough to ignore us now.
– Get naked. We all feel vulnerable in our birthday suits from time to time. Don’t be afraid to let it all hang out.
– Check out mojoupgrade.com. You and your partner can fill in a list of your kinks, and the website will tell you which you have in common. Just don’t be a dick and mark all the kinks to get dirt on your bump ‘n’ grind buddy.

 
Until next time, grip it and flick it, kiddos.

Let’s get it on: songs to get busy to

Pre-boning

 
-“Ignition (Remix)” by R. Kelly
-“Fat Bottom Girls” by Queen
-“I Want You So Hard” by Eagles of Death Metal
-“Love Is The Drug” by Roxy Music
-“Feel Good, Inc.” by Gorillaz
-“Honky Tonk Women” by the Rolling Stones
-“Crosstown Traffic” by Jimi Hendrix
-“Business Time” by Flight of the Concords
-“I Want You to Want Me” by Cheap Trick
-“Fetish” by Vicious Pink
-Anything by Marvin Gaye

 
Boning

 
-“Get Down Tonight” by KC and the Sunshine Band
-“When the Levee Breaks” by Led Zeppelin
-“Me and Mrs. Jones” by Billy Paul
-“Devil’s Haircut” by Beck
-“Digital Love” by Daft Punk
-“Let’s Groove Tonight” by Earth, Wind & Fire
-“There is a Light That Never Goes Out” by The Smiths
-“Hands” by The Raconteurs
-“I Wanna Be Adored” by The Stone Roses
-“Don’t Stop Me Now” by Queen
-Anything by Marvin Gaye. Obviously.

 
Post-boning

 
-“I Just Had Sex” by The Lonely Island
-“Sweet Virginia” by The Rolling Stones
-“Hit the Road Jack” by Ray Charles
-“We Are the Champions” by Queen
-“Buddy Holly” by Weezer
-“What is Love” by Haddaway
-Anything by Marvin Gaye. Come on. You should know this by now.