Communication, a crucial aspect in human relationships, is the root of most conflict in people’s lives. Whether you’re involved in a committed relationship or talking to a stranger on the street about a random topic, a failure in effective, compassionate and unambiguous transfer of feelings and ideas is bound to happen.

Specifically, being in a relationship with someone usually starts out smoothly and after the initial high of the acquaintance, you start to have problems. The way both partners express themselves determines how issues in the relationship are confronted. This undoubtedly gets more complex when mediums such as texting, calling and Facebook are involved because you can’t see critical facial expressions. Such expressions help us to understand people’s emotions. The tendency to assume and misunderstand whatever your partner is trying to say initiates an unpleasant cycle of confusion and negative emotions.

To assume what a person is trying to express is different from knowing what they actually mean. For example, taking a joke too seriously and connecting it to things that have nothing to do with the joke, and reacting to the person who said it, is making an assumption. The joke might be rude, but it has nothing to do with what happened to you in high school or your emotions in general. The connection to personal memories and other subjective schemes adds fuel to the cycle of confusion and further devastates a conversation.

Additionally, there is a significant difference in telling your partner “I didn’t appreciate what you did last night because it was stupid” as opposed to saying “Your actions while playing pong last night at Jake’s made me feel anxious and inadequate because you ignored and spoke to me in a rude way and it bothered me. I understand you were drunk, but is there anything going on that you want to talk about?” Communicating openly and respectfully, in context to the fictional example above, is the key difference.

Generally blaming the other sex is also part of a response to bad communication. Comments such as “Guys are so stupid!” or “Girls are crazy and confusing!” are labels used due to a failure in expressing yourself to someone else in an effective, compassionate and clear way. This failure in communication produces anger, avoidance and frustration until either partner is able to take full responsibility for their words and actions in a loving and constructive way.

We sometimes misinterpret what others say due to our own subjective filter, but understanding what someone says to you correctly and completely takes effort such as politely asking constructive questions that get the essence of whatever message or emotion that’s being expressed. Paradoxically, you first have to listen before you can begin communicating successfully.