I’m an almost 24-year-old high school drop out with a GED and chronic procrastination. My education has become an almost comic series of mishaps and uncertainties.

I am torn between finishing school sometime soon and taking extra time to do the classes and get the grades that will let me transfer into one of my dream schools. I could go with SSU or another California State school; that would get me to a university within the next year and a half or so. I could also kick my ass to get into computer science at UC Davis in maybe two years or computer science engineering in two and a half to three.

I hate those lucky bastards who had motivation and a goal for their life in high school. Especially the jerks that go to awesome schools like Caltech. I would consider murder if it would get me into a school like that. In 2012 Caltech had 214 undergraduate transfer applicants and accepted five of them.

Yeah, it’s not looking too hot for me. There’s even more pressure than before for students to choose their majors and transfer out as quickly as possible. Pressures not only from our school, but often from family as well.

My big brother graduated from UC Berkeley. That overachieving butthead just raised the family expectations tenfold.

I get to the point where the last thing I want to do is school because all I can focus on is the potential for failure. Instead of focusing on how much I love the subject matter, I’m stressing about whether I can transfer soon enough to get my family off my back. I wind up dreading going to classes about subjects I love. I put off homework because just thinking about it gives me anxiety attacks.

I really want to relax. I want to go to classes and focus on how awesome normal force is. I want to be amazed at the way I can find velocity and acceleration with a couple quick derivations. I want to look at a math problem and enjoy solving the puzzle, not stress about how my family will react next time they ask when I’ll be transferring (next family gathering, every damn time).

College should be about exploring our interests, learning about how the world works. I shouldn’t have to fight back panic when I think about my favorite subjects.

Calculus is awesome! Physics is like calculus super-charged and extra fun. But I’m so stressed about expectations that I get migraines in the lab. Every time. I’ve tried taking Physics 40 twice now, and I get the most ridiculous head aches.

I’m going to keep trying though. Next semester I’ll get back on the horse. Newton’s Laws will be my bitches.