Future generations will look back at animal hats and wonder what the hell were they thinking!? The reason for this is simple; your decision to wear the animal hat makes you seem like a preschool dropout looking for attention. Anime probably influenced the creation of these hats. While I respect the detailed plot lines and gory endings, the kawii bleeding from the television has lowered the emotional maturity of all hat wearers.

Young women wearing animal hats should consider what it says about them. If you want a mate, you are sending the wrong signal. Guys revel in the adult, drama-free relationship that comes with maturity, something unattainable when dating someone who yells at you with a panda on her head.

If you are a young man wearing an animal hat, I can’t help you.

Let us say you have the ability to create a time machine 20 years from now and decide to come back to today. Your children come with you. They laugh at you. No more Supermom or Superdad. You now regret the choice to wear an eviscerated stuffed animal on your head. Listen, I love Calvin and Hobbes as much as the next person, but Hobbes belongs on the page. I like Ling-Ling as much as the next panda-lover, but her smelly, flea-bitten ass does not belong just above my shoulders. She should not occupy the space where my brain should be.

The simple fact remains; these hats misrepresent the mental capacity of this junior college. You have a long way to go to earn back your right to vote or buy the cigarettes you still think make you look cool. Your decision to wear animal hats is about as successful as Robin Williams’ use of leather pants for stand-up comedy.

Please, if you have a friend that wears these hats, schedule an intervention today. Or take your friend’s fuzzy “hat,” flip it over and utilize it as a barf bag on your next weekend bender. The congealing goop in the hat will represent the limited gray matter between your friend’s ears. Replacing the stolen hat in your friend’s car will achieve the desired effect.

More horrible trends in fashion:

• Flock of Seagulls haircut: If you haven’t seen this then you need to look it up. The animal hat wearing culture-destroyers are making sure you’ll be remembered like this infamous haircut. Unlike the mullets, which are still making their way around Europe, the flock of seagulls haircut has not survived the generations. For a reason.

• Gangster Jeans: baggy jeans sagged down to the knees with boxers showing. If you still do this, you missed your opportunity to show off your cotton knit designer boxers. So please do us all a favor and burn your jorts. Besides, you can’t run from the cops AND hold your Mad Dog 20/20, when you’re too busy holding up your stupid pants.

• Thongs on Men: Funny in Borat, disgusting in real life.

• MC Hammer Pants: enough said.