Oscar Guzman planned to commit suicide when he turned 20.
Guzman grew up in California with albinism, a condition where recessive genes alter the melanin production in the human body, affecting skin color and eyesight. Guzman had to sit at the front of class to see and use a magnifying glass to read. In high school he promised himself he would commit suicide when he was 20 and after that, “I stopped trying,” he said.
Guzman and Lauren Peterson from National Alliance on Mental Illness Sonoma County spoke to SRJC students Oct. 15 in a workshop titled “In Our Own Voices” as part of Suicide Awareness Day. The day’s events were organized by Send Silence Packing and included mental health tables displaying 1,100 backpacks in the quad to represent the number of college students who commit suicide every year.
Guzman stopped trying in school and ended up dropping out senior year without graduating. He worked minimum wage jobs when he was 18-20 years old and got along, but still he was depressed. When he was 20 he decided it was time to complete the promise he made himself and commit suicide. He quit his job and became homeless in San Jose before attempting suicide in an abandoned building.
He woke in a hospital after the police found him. The nurse asked him why he did it and for the first time he admitted he was depressed. He was taken to a psychiatric hospital for a little while before leaving, getting some medicine and a job. Guzman eventually developed schizophrenia a short time after. He moved to Sonoma County and enrolled at SRJC, but stopped taking his medicine, thinking he didn’t need it.
School was still bad for him and he dropped out again. He lived in his brother’s apartment and one day he lost control, smashing windows and vandalizing the complex. He was arrested and spent a month in jail. After getting out he went to a homeless shelter and was on probation for three years. In 2003 he got his high school diploma and was still in denial from 2003-2007. “I wouldn’t even tell my family or friends I was going to the doctor,” Guzman said. During that time he was hospitalized five times and has taken 12 different medications over the past 10 years.
Peterson grew up with constant panic attacks. Even when she was 3 years old, she would wrap her hair so tight around her fingers they would lose circulation. When she was 12, her symptoms increased and she had more and more intense panic attacks. She described panic attacks as, “I see everything at once; I feel surrounded.”
She then began self-harming and had daily panic attacks. She couldn’t continue school normally so she enrolled to do high school at SRJC. The attacks continued, having attacks even in the Emeritus bathroom. “I would find a quiet place and see if they would go away,” Peterson said.
She felt hopeless at age 16 and attempted suicide a year later. She was admitted to a psychiatric hospital for a month but she made a makeshift weapon and attempted suicide again. When the hospital discharged her she spent a lot of time at home, staying in her room and sleeping. Her parents gave her space and she didn’t call her friends. While doing this she felt better: there was no stress and didn’t want to hurt herself.
Both Peterson and Guzman work for NAMI. “NAMI was the first place that introduced the idea of recovery,” Guzman said. They suggested finding the right doctor for you, one that you can trust. Then finding the right medication; most have side effects so they said to find one that you can deal with. Therapy helps, finding a psychiatrist and a therapist. Exercise and music are also very helpful.
Lastly, they wanted their family to be informed. “If they knew what I was going through it would have helped,” said Peterson. That is what NAMI offers; help not only for you, but also to educate your family.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.