The term “ghosting” arose from the idea that when one person ghosts another, they effectively become invisible, or a “ghost,” to them. Another eerie similarity shared with the name, however, is that a spirit comes into existence from unresolved emotions, usually in the form of trauma the act causes them. Nomenclature aside, ghosting is abusive behavior that shouldn’t be tolerated if an ethical society is to advance.
Ghosting is when one abruptly ceases communication with someone without explanation. While often associated with dating and one-night-stands, it occurs among friends and colleagues too. The act is nothing new, but, in a time when smartphones are in most American’s pockets, it persists. Enough to have stolen a moniker more heavily used today than for the spirits it originally referred to, and even overshadowing them as a cause of dread.
Most have witnessed it firsthand. The Thriving Center of Psychology, an online mental health platform aimed at connecting therapists to those in need across the nation, conducted a survey of over 1,000 Gen Zers and Millennials in 2023, and found that 8 out of 10 people said they had been ghosted. So, when communication couldn’t be simpler, barring the invention of telepathy, why is it still so common?
Aside from the valid reasons like needing to avoid an abusive person or stalker, the obvious answer is that ghosting is easy to do. Just don’t contact the person again. But how laborious are a few texts or a five-minute phone call really? It’s not the time or physical effort that people avoid; it’s the emotional burden.
However, choosing convenience over providing the “ghostee” with closure usually has lasting negative impacts. Psychology Today, an online mental health resource and magazine with articles written by mental health professionals, calls ghosting a “powerful and emotionally abusive behavior” that can lead to self-doubt, mistrust in others and lower self-esteem. Even though ghosting can happen at any time, the impact is greatest when the ghostee has no reason to expect it.
Santa Rosa Junior College students aren’t exempt from this. When Christian Trechter, 19, was ghosted by one of his best friends of seven years during his senior year in high school he couldn’t help but take it personally.
“At first it was weird. I was just scratching my head, retracing my steps, trying to think what did I do to deserve this? Like, did I respond to something in a weird way?” Trechter said.
To make matters worse, Trechter and his former best friend both enrolled at SRJC after graduating, and when they bumped into each other, Trechter’s friend didn’t acknowledge his own behavior.
“I was really angry, because I was just sitting there, waiting for an apology, and he completely deflected and didn’t admit to anything,” Trechter said.
During their conversation Trechter’s friend was able to share intimate information with him, yet still couldn’t own up to his ghosting. He even asked Trechter to get lunch with him. Eventually, after Trechter pressed him, his friend gave an insufficient excuse — too little, too late.
“I told him, ‘Your immaturity has really shown, and I’m not looking for a friendship with you anymore,’” he said.
Trechter thinks he might have been more forgiving if his friend had reached out to him after a month or two of ghosting him, but a year proved to be too long.
In a time when more cases of parental neglect are coming to light, ghosting can trigger abandonment trauma in some people as well.
Yet that likely comes as no surprise. Tell a friend that you’ve been ghosted and it’s almost guaranteed their response will be some expletive hurled in the ghoster’s direction. We all know that it’s toxic behavior.
Like most forms of abuse, those who have been ghosted tend to perpetuate it. The Thriving Center of Psychology Survey said nearly 60% of those who have been ghosted have gone on to ghost another person. Hence, it’s become normalized, despite the widespread awareness of its toxicity.
SRJC student Isis Hernandez, 18, considers ghosting an unfortunate experience of growing up.
“I guess it’s super normal. It happened to me and all my friends,” she said.
However, Hernandez said just because it’s common doesn’t make it easier to handle. When a close friend ghosted her in high school she was initially concerned about his well-being. After realizing she’d simply been ghosted, her initial sadness eventually turned to lingering resentment.
“I was pissed off, and if I would see him or hear about him I’d just get pissed off again,” Hernandez said.
She has since moved on, but said that hasn’t helped make the memory any less unpleasant.
Littering was also a normalized trend until people realized they were saturating their communities with garbage, and ghosting is no different, just the physical garbage is replaced with emotional baggage.
Some may defend ghosting, saying it’s not their fault if they don’t share the same feelings as the ghostee. Treating others with respect is never a requirement, just a responsibility that comes with maturity, just like dating and having relationships. Most people date with hopes of being attracted to a particular person, but when attractions don’t coincide, an imbalance of power arises, and maturely using that power leads to the betterment of all those involved, ghosters included.
Another Psychology Today article said, in the long run, ghosters don’t even free themselves of an emotional burden, with 50% being wracked with guilt or remorse after they ghost. Since ghosting burns bridges, they, in turn, lose the chance to gain closure.
In future relationships, ghosting can foster emotional detachment or numbness and lead ghosters to future isolation, according to Simply Psychology.
To show empathy one must provide a real explanation. Not ghosting someone isn’t simply saying you don’t want to talk to them anymore. Closure outweighs the pain of hearing a harsh truth. This is true even for one-night-stands. It’s more mature to admit that you just wanted to get laid rather than telling someone you’re not looking for a relationship after a night of sweet talking and false promises.
Dating has often been compared to fishing, and most experienced fishers respect all the fish they catch, even the ones they don’t keep. They don’t just cut the line and throw the fish back with the hook still attached, they carefully remove it with as minimal damage as possible before gently returning it to the water. This allows the fish to carry out the rest of its life, pain-free, and maintains a healthy ecosystem that ultimately benefits all future fishers.
In 2024, it’s not a stretch to say the world is falling apart. Ending ghosting will not solve all our problems, but humans need to get their act together, and treating each other as people is a part of that.
So the next time you find you’re not interested in someone romantically, or have a friend who is getting on your nerves, show that person some courtesy and have a conversation with them, or at least text them the reason you feel you need to part ways with them.
