Voices. Paranoia. Mania. Depression. Jumping. Seven hundred forty-six feet off the Golden Gate Bridge. Gasping for air. Grasping for life. Survival.

To a packed house on March 28, mental health and suicide awareness advocate, Kevin Hines spoke about his battles with depression and his suicide attempt in 2007. Hines strives to help those who battle similar disorders find hope in the midst of their symptoms. “I want people to know I am an open book and I am here to serve and help,” Hines said.

Hines was born in 1981 to parents who suffered bipolar disorder, alcoholism and drug abuse. Hines and his younger brother (who later died of bronchitis) wound up in foster care. Adopted as a toddler by Pat and Debbie Hines, Hines said he was given a blessed life with a family who loved each other.

“I thought to myself: how could anything go sideways from here? I am going to do something with my life,” Hines said. He had a very positive mindset until he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. This turned everything around. He couldn’t see the love in his life and when he turned seventeen-and-a-half, the bipolar disorder struck hard.

Hines said his paranoia resulted in him running from UPS and USPS trucks because he thought the people inside the trucks were going to “get him.” He also suffered from manic episodes. Hines said his episodes would have him waiting for his “friend” Steven Spielberg to show up and offer him a role in a motion picture.

“Then the depression would rise and it would fall so deep. Depths that I couldn’t dig out…so much that I hated everything about me and eventually that loathing turned into thoughts of suicide,” Hines said.

During this time, Hines was going to therapy and a psychiatrist prescribed him medicine, but he didn’t follow the regimen. Instead, he would drink himself into oblivion with his friends while on medication, a choice that could kill him. Hines said he was on a dangerous path. “I believed that the only thing was suicide,” he said.

Those who are suicidal believe there is no other option and we as individuals can help them, Hines said.
Hines said if we can get to someone at that point in time (when they are about to commit suicide) and change there plans a life can be saved. “I didn’t have a person to do that. My dad tried,” Hines said. On the morning of his attempt Hines’ dad tried to help because he knew something was wrong, but he didn’t ask specific questions and Hines didn’t acknowledge his father’s concerns.

Hines’ father dropped him off as usual at San Francisco City College, and said “I love you” as always. “I knew that when I stepped out of the car and my tear rolled down my right cheek down on my right shoe that would be the last time I saw my dad,” Hines said. He went to the counselors and dropped nine-and-a-half of 12 units. Hines said the counselors didn’t question his reasoning but maybe they should have.

He went to English and wrote notes to his parents, siblings, girlfriend and best friend. “I said to my best friend: you will find another best friend,” Hines said. He didn’t realize everyone in his life loved him and his suicide would be life shattering. He went to find his “last meal” which turned out to be some stolen skittles and starbursts from Walgreens. Once he got onto the bus he was crying because he became torn. He didn’t want to die. He believed he had to.

“I began thinking, ‘Don’t do this Kevin, you’re 19,’” Hines said. There were 150 people on the bus staring at him while he cried but no one said a word. Hines said if you see someone in public clearly distraught just ask if you can help them, or if they are ok because he as well as other suicidal people make pacts with themselves. He said suicidal people might tell themselves they will back out if someone approaches them, asks what’s wrong or smiles at them.

After he got off the bus, Hines continued to cry and no one acknowledged him. He was trying to convince himself to go home, but the voices wouldn’t let him. “The voice in my head is, ‘You must die, you must die, jump now.’” The only person to approach him was a woman asking him to take a picture of her. After she left he thought that no one cared.

“Wait, wait just one minute Kevin. Everybody cared. People in my life cared. Friends, family and acquaintances. At that point, I lost all care because of depression and instability,” Hines said. The thoughts of others were not present at this time, so Hines ran back toward the traffic, then toward the Golden Gate Bridge and plunged himself over the edge.

“The millisecond I jumped, I knew I wanted to live. I said, ‘God please save me,’” Hines said. When Hines fell into the water, he was vacuumed 50 feet under. He could not feel his legs moving, but he was being kept afloat somehow. He later found out that what was keeping him afloat, until the coast guard came, was a seal. Hines said while he was in the water trying to breathe he was praying, and he hadn’t prayed in a while. He was praying, ‘God please save me. I don’t want to die.’

Hines suffered two shattered vertebrae with pieces shooting into his lower organs missing his heart and lungs.
Hines said his story is a miracle because the exact moment he jumped a woman was driving by while on the phone with her friend who was in the coast guard and if that call had not been made at that time the Coast Guard would not have been there in 12 minutes, and he wouldn’t have lived. He then went to the hospital, and needed major back surgery. Miraculously there was a back specialist who was not scheduled to be there, but was. The doctor did a new experimental surgery on him, going through the side to his back and giving him steel plates in his back. His life was saved.

“Life is too short to commit suicide. I am so happy that my attempt failed. All of us are blessed in a certain way. You may be going through a hard time now but that doesn’t shape your future. You do. You have the power to save your whole life,” Hines said.

Although Hines didn’t believe his parents would care, Hines’ mother was at a seminar about depression learning about his disorder when she got the call. His dad came to the hospital first. He didn’t believe the call. He didn’t think he had lived. His parents were stressed, in pain, but they prayed for him to live.

Hines said now he raises awareness for depression and the importance of mental health. He still suffers symptoms on a day-to-day basis but a steady routine and a loving family around help him get through the attacks. He encourages those with bipolar disorder or depression to talk about it to their loved ones. He said letting those around you know about what you are going through helps them help you.

“The truth about suicide is that it can happen to anyone. The truth about suicide is it shouldn’t happen at all and it is preventable. It is life shattering to all of those who are left behind, and we can walk away today and do something about it,” Hines said.