Lauren Kelleher

While it’s fun to clear every bong and house every joint, it’s important to pace yourself so you don’t end your night with an anxiety attack and your head in the toilet.

It happens out of nowhere.

You’re two hours — and who-knows-how-many hits — into a standard smoke sesh when you feel it: a twinge in the pit of your stomach.

A warning sign.

You shake it off. It’s fine. You’re fine. Right?

You glance at your friend, whose face is starting to look like a Picasso painting gone wrong. Has their nose always been where their mouth should be?

Your heartbeat begins to pick up. You wipe your palms on your pants. Surely your hands haven’t always been this big?

Suddenly you feel like you’re underwater. No — you’re flying through a tunnel at lightspeed, barely tethered to your own body. No — you’re spinning, swirling down a toilet like the rat in “Flushed Away.”

No, wait — it’s none of that. What you’re experiencing is a far more realistic, far less dangerous side effect of a Saturday night sesh.

You, my faded friend, are greening out.

I’m blacking out?

Not quite — greening out is a pot-related play on words that references both the color of your face and the color of the cannabis that helped it get that way. The weed-version of getting too drunk, greening out is an easy way to say that you got so high you couldn’t see, or stand, straight.

How did this happen?

Who’s to say for sure? Sometimes people green out for no reason other than because God decided it was their time.

However, there are some things that make this unpleasant experience just an ounce — or even a gram — more likely to occur:

1. How’d ya take it? Edibles are metabolized in your liver into a more potent compound called 11-hydroxy-THC. This form of THC can have more intense and longer-lasting effects than the kind produced when cannabis is smoked or vaped. This is why people warn against taking more edibles if you aren’t feeling them yet — when they hit, they hit.
2. Where’d ya take it? Though the term set and setting has been historically used to describe the “psychological, social and cultural parameters which shape the response to psychedelic drugs,” the sentiment can be applied to weed as well. Sometimes all it takes is being around the wrong people or smoking when you already felt anxious to make that last hit just one too many.
3. What else did ya take (or not take)? Smoking on an empty stomach can enhance the feelings of dizziness and nausea that greening out can cause. Additionally, studies have shown that alcohol increases the absorption of THC, so be mindful of how much of each you’re consuming if you’re going to double dip.

What’s gonna happen to me?

The most commonly reported symptoms of greening out are nausea and vomiting, dizziness, anxiety and rapid heart rate. It’s also not uncommon to experience cold sweats or hot flashes (or a fun mix of both, if you’re lucky), trembling, paranoia or panic attacks. It’s basically like having the flu, but you’re also scared.

Nothing a couple hits can’t fix, right?

I jest. But here’s something that might actually soothe your spirit, if not your symptoms: There are not currently any verified cases of death in humans due solely to acute cannabis toxicity.

In layman’s terms, you’re not going to die. You’re just going to want to.

Am I gonna feel like this forever?

Easy, Clairo. Greening out, like being high, can last anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours. Smoking or vaping weed tends to produce shorter-lived effects than consuming it orally, so if you only ripped the pen a couple of times before feeling more muppet than man, fear not — Jason Segal is on his way and he’s gonna clear this right up for you.

In the meantime, here are a couple of tips to get you through the next few hours of learning to live as a very manly muppet:

1. Take deep breaths. I know it sounds silly, and in the moment probably requires Sisyphyean effort, but trust me: Working with your body rather than against it is the way to go. Who needs Jesus when you can let your parasympathetic nervous system take the wheel for a bit?
2. Eat, drink and be merry — or at least try to do that last one. Carbs tend to soak up bud the way they do beer, so if you can stomach it, try a piece of bread (and a glass of water to go with it.) Bottoms up!
3. Tums, Pepcid, Zofran, oh my! Rifle through that medicine cabinet like it’s a candy shop and find something to settle your stomach. If you’re more of a gardener than a gastroenterologist, try something mint- or ginger-flavored to ease the quease.
4. Get as comfortable as you can. If you’re home, crawl into bed and try to catch a couple z’s. If you’re not, do what you can to get there. Riding this nauseating wave is a lot easier when it’s your own surfboard drifting you across the sea of sleep.
5. Most importantly: Remind yourself that this isn’t going to last forever. Take it from me — if I had a dime for every time I believed I was going to spend the rest of my life stoned, I’d have enough money to actually fulfill that prophecy. Trust me when I say that you’re going to be OK.

I’ll never smoke weed again

I’ll take “things every stoner has said” for 300, Alex.

Grab a bucket and a blanket, set a timer for 12 hours and let the rollercoaster of regret take you through its 9-5.

Congratulations on your rite of passage into the world of weed.

You’re gonna be fine.