Lauren Kelleher

Every college student’s dream night: good friends, good weed and a good story to tell the next day. But what exactly does creating these memories entail — other than getting so high you barely remember them?

The time has come.

It’s 8 p.m. on a syrupy Saturday night, the clouds are clinging to the last thread of sunlight and your friend just texted “Lighting up a joint. U down?”

You’re down.

You’re so down that it takes you half the time to get to your homie’s house as it usually does and twice as long to realize: You have no idea what exactly you’re down for.

Sure, you’ve smoked weed a couple of times. Nicked a bud from the hidden compartment in your dad’s office desk and finagled yourself a homemade apple pipe so atrocious that even Eve wouldn’t pick it, all to get more of a headache than a high.

But this? This is it. The fabled blunt rotation that exists exclusively in the dreams of 14-year-olds and the nightmares of their mothers.

The questions in your head hit you harder than the high is about to: Is there a right way to hold a joint? What’s the correct ratio of puffing to passing? How could a loving god be so cruel?

Fear not, my sweet summer stoner. Sit back and let your favorite ex-toker-turned-ganja-guru guide you through the long lost art of weed etiquette, courtesy of four years of nonstop marijuana consumption and another three of sober retrospection.

Flower Formalities

Each stoner has their own house rules, but there are a few general guidelines that everyone who meets Miss Mary Jane should follow.

1. If you can bring something, bring something. This doesn’t have to mean weed — just contribute what you can, whether that be food, a portable speaker or that signed copy of “Smosh: The Movie” you’ve been itching to show someone.
2. Don’t light up in someone’s house or car without asking. Though time may be fleeting, the sticky scent of marijuana is clingier than I am to the remnants of my stoner days.
3. Never, ever, EVER make fun of someone for coughing. Do you like it when your lungs unionize and strike against the laborious act of breathing? Would it help if I point and laugh while your wounded windpipes emit a sound more goose honk than human? I don’t think so.
4. If someone gets too high, take care of them. Sure, it’s a rite of passage to take one too many hits and end up thinking you switched places with the person in the mirror, but mirror-world is a hellscape of reflective demons that traps and devours scared, stoned souls, so lend a hand and help pull your friend out. They’ll return the favor if mirror-you comes back for round two.
5. Arguably the most important rule that any stoner should follow: If you can’t smoke more, don’t smoke more. Peer pressure is real, but personal pressure will have you becoming one with the couch for the rest of the night. It’s OK to put the “pass” in puff, puff, pass; save yourself the panic attack and the last hit of the joint for someone who wants it.

Back to the basics: Being blunt about blunts

No two seshes are alike. Certain rules are piece-dependent, so here are some tips about what to do (and not do) when you’re handed a joint.

1. Speaking of: Puff, puff, pass is called that for a reason, but no one cares that much. You don’t need to time exactly two hits at exactly three second intervals — just don’t be that person who lets the joint burn out because you spent 20 minutes pondering the socioeconomic consequences of giving the penguins from “Madagascar” complete control of the U.S. military.
2. Try to keep the filter dry. Everyone’s aware that sharing a joint is basically the socially-distanced version of kissing, so play your part in pretending you’re not swapping spit with your sesh-mates.
3. Your friends aren’t ashtrays. Ash before you pass to protect their pants and your dignity.

Surviving your first bong-term relationship

Everyone’s favorite vase for housing flowers: the bong.

1. Flower is more flavorful when it’s fresh, so if you’re sharing a bowl, “corner” each hit to ensure everyone gets at least one lungful of green. To do this, angle the lighter as close to the rim as possible rather than incinerating the entire bowl.
2. To snap or not to snap: that is the question. A heavily contested topic among stoners, some say that “snapping” (inhaling until everything in the bowl is pulled through the stem) dirties the water unnecessarily, while others think it’s rude to hand someone a half-ashed bowl to clean before repacking. Regardless of your stance, respect the opinions of the majority of the circle, and keep all moral debates purely philosophical.
3. Save the heroic hits for Hercules. Wasting smoke is a far less heinous crime than blowing bong water all over someone’s bed sheets, so take the L (and a smaller hit next time.)

If this list got you higher than the “Madagascar” penguins’ budget, don’t stress: with every spliff you spark and bong you hit, your experience (and list of pot preferences) will grow. The Oak Leaf’s Editor-in-Chief Rosemary Cromwell has one rule and one rule only: “Let me have aux.”

Do not go gentle into that good night, my faded friend: go stoned.

And make sure you have a ride home.