Aries: Fighting is not the answer unless you’re trying out for UFC. Keep calm and don’t punch people.

            Taurus: When people say you’re neurotic, it’s just a classy word for crazy. Appreciate when you’re put down softly.

            Gemini: Try a new hobby. Perhaps disk golf at a local regional park. At least that’s a good excuse to have a few cold ones and hang out with friends.

            Cancer: When your starfish dies don’t fret. There are plenty more at the tropical fish store. Make sure you can take care of the fish in your tank before you catch a real one, though.

            Leo: Do you need an abortion? Well, you could be screwed twice because Planned Parenthood might lose funding. Be celibate.

            Virgo: When your head is speeding through thoughts at a million miles per second, be your own police and give yourself a chill ticket.

            Libra: If you borrow someone’s tire pump, return it. Fixing your flat and not thinking your friend might go through the same problem is selfish. Life can leave anyone stuck.

            Scorpio: Right now isn’t the time to be timid. Don’t wait for desperation to infect your soul; ask your crush out. Or cry watching “The Notebook” again. Whatever.

            Sagittarius: If you think you can control life, it will control you. If it’s hard to not obsess on stress, try focusing on something other than yourself. Helping others always helps you.

            Capricorn: When life has you captivated, you’re watching the right television show. Let yourself be distracted, but the cable might disconnect because you didn’t pay your bill.

            Aquarius: Rejection could be exactly what you need to help you focus on yourself. Take time to see the beauty in your own spirit.

            Pisces: Travel to a new place of nature and appease your wanderlust. A break from technology screaming at you is needed.