“I’m Only Here for the WiFi: A Complete Guide to Reluctant Adulthood,” by Chelsea Fagan should have been titled, “Privileged White Girl Problems: What To Do Now That Daddy Isn’t Paying For Everything.”
Granted, the book is intended for a 20-year-old girl, and as a 22-year-old boy, getting through the book was a struggle. Reading about how we all want to look like Sarah Jessica Parker from the “Sex in the City” TV show is forgivable, if the book is written well.
Unfortunately, the rambling paragraphs rarely segue prettily. Be prepared for bulleted lists or silly little graphs on every other page, and someone needs to have a chat with Fagan about her heinous overuse of parenthetical statements (there’s a lot of them). Page one of chapter one has three separate phrases enclosed in parentheses (that’s practically the whole page.)
Chapter one is titled “The Morning: Or How Hard You Can Throw the Alarm Clock Before It Will Break.” After you force a laugh, read on to some lists comparing the perfect morning routine to the author’s morning. Of course, her self-deprecation is charming – she’s, like, totally normal – and there’s even a fairly entertaining sentence or two, once we get past the pages dealing with hair styling and picking a perfect outfit.
Chapter two dishes out employment advice. The first piece of advice is to lie on your resume.
The next three chapters offer tips on how to get laid. Start a new hobby, you might meet a cute guy. Go out with friends, you could meet a cute guy. Start talking to cute guys, you might even meet one of them. The author also offers advice on which guys to avoid, in the form of a few paragraphs detailing how much of a scumbag one of her ex-boyfriends was.
Chapter Six, “Finances: Or How to Finish the Month Without Crying into Your Ramen.” In summary, things cost money, and you’ll have to earn that money yourself now. Don’t spend money you don’t have on a $300 dress.
Last, and probably least, Chelsea Fagan dishes out tips on how to find female friends. The first half of the chapter explains how difficult it is for women to keep friends. Her wise advice for meeting new ones boils down to: Talk to someone who is not yet your friend.
The book ends with a chapter commiserating about just how hard “real” life is. The author encourages the reader to keep their chin up through anything, because we’re all strong, independent young woman.
Fagan lives in Paris, France and writes for Thought Catalog, a fact she doesn’t hesitate to remind the reader of. In this writer’s opinion, her transition from journalism to prose was premature. “I’m Only Here for the WiFi” is a shallow and not particularly helpful booklet for readers without the attention span required for real literature.